I woke up not really wanting to wake up.
I am ashamed to say that today I let the worse get the best of me.
My alarm went off at exactly 6:00 am like it does every morning for my pill ritual. One pink one, one blue one and a huge glass of water.
I usually shower after that, clean up and have some coffee.
I check my e-mail account, my social media, and start my day. That has been my life for the last few months. This new carefree schedule might not seem as exciting to some who lead a “normal” life but for someone who is currently on leave of absences from work and is trying to adjust to a new way of living I’d say it’s actually pretty productive.
Today the desire to get up and do all those things stayed behind me somewhere wrapped and tangled in my sheets.
I had planned a morning run but that didn’t happen.
I had planned for a cup of green tea instead of coffee, but also that didn’t happen.
The only thing that actually took place was…well…nothing
I slept the day away, barely waking up for meals and going back to sleep. For whatever reason and no logical explanation I dreamed with celebrities all throughout the day. Interestingly enough they all kept telling me the same thing- that it was all going to be okay.
First I shared my slumber with Jennifer Aniston, Rachel Green from “Friends” (she was always my favorite) She ran up to me while I stood in front of a tall mirror washing away what seemed to be runny mascara off my face.
She held my hands tightly assuring me that we would fight this together and that everything was going to be alright.
I woke up from that friendly Jen dream and took a short meal break, drank a glass of water and quickly snoozed away with my next celebrity. Lady Gaga.
We were best friends and she was powerful. I mean she is, but in my dream I was powerful with her. We walked side by side like two crazy bitches in crazy outfits.
Helicopters above us flashed their cameras as we made our way through a fabulous celebrity filled pool party.
She loved me and I loved her, I do actually but I loved her more in my dream somehow. She had my back and I had hers.
Suddenly Rihanna comes out of nowhere half naked, as expected and starts singing her hit “Phresh out the runway” and in the commotion of it all Gaga disappears. She leaves me there in a sea of desperate little monsters pushing away as they all search for her. I panic but manage to stand still, viciously searching for her with my eyes but she has abandoned us. Abandon me.
The helicopters are touching ground now and a mob of camera flashes invade my eyes.
I wake up from this dream at about 4 something pm. Dramatically covered in sweat.
From this point on I can’t truly understand what made me feel so lonely. I don’t know if it was the fact that Gaga had left me there without reason or if it was the disappointing feeling of sleeping the day away after I had promised myself I would do all sorts of things today. Maybe it was a mixture of both.
I laid there motionless for about an hour, listening to cars go by and my clock tic away. It was begin to feel cold outside and the thought of Christmas began to invade my thoughts.
No current job means no money. No money means no Christmas presents. No christmas presents means feeling guilty for not being able to provide such things to those who matter. Which brings us to depression overload.
I wanted to cry. Not sure the reason behind this but I suspect it was everything (gaga and jen included). It was the impotence of not being able to have a normal job and unable to provide much this holiday season that began to potently darken my positive spirit. Of all seasons I guess this one is most important due to the fact that in my mind this could be the last Christmas with those I love. I know it’s irrational and that people don’t just die from this the year they find out. I know there are methods, medicines, and life expectancy is great but can you blame me for wanting to savor and cherish every moment of my life as it were my last?
I called my mother told her I wasn’t feeling like myself.
She immediately came into my room where she found me laying face down with one arm dangling towards the floor. She rubbed my back as she sat there in silence not really sure of what to say. Maybe she had a lot to say but thought silence would say more than she ever could. All I know is that having her there, her warmth and her sole presence made me feel at ease.
“It’s going to be okay…” she finally said. “You are lucky. You are loved. There is no reason why you should feel this way. Do you hear me? You are lucky and blessed.”
She is right. I am lucky. I am blessed.
She laid her head on my back and we stayed there for some time. I could have easily fallen asleep that way, with her comforting me, but I decided I had slept enough and brought myself up from the hole I had dropped myself in.
I gave her a faint smile and told her I was going to be alright. She looked at me, her eyes sparkling in the dark like two beautiful bright stars. Again, I knew that this was just part of the package. I guess I can’t expect every day to be easy and cheerful. I’m sure I will have plenty of days where the simplest task will seem impossible. It’s good to know though that when that does happen, I know I have plenty of beautiful sparkling stars that can lift me up from the darkness… and none of them are celebrities.