drip drop

screenshot_20170111-213954I freaked.

I mean, seriously freaked. So much that I cried like a little baby on the phone as I tried to explain myself to my best friend through an uncontrollable sob what it was that had me in such a state.

It was Peter. Peter, peter, pumpkin eater.

He hadn’t bitten off my heart yet but I felt a sharp pain run through me as the countdown to our date neared an end.

I had been fine all day. I hadn’t even paid much thought to the fact that in a couple of hours I would be going on a date with a guy that use to only pop up on my phone screen on late drunken nights and who now was asking to meet in unfamiliar territory. He asked what movie I wanted to see and he encouraged me to pick a showing that would work best for me. He teased me and I enjoyed the feeling. His text were flirtatious and I began to develop a school crush. Everything seemed perfect. The idea of a very good date was in the air and then suddenly…

Anxiety hit.

I suddenly found myself trying to catch my breath as my heart began to race and my mind began to spin. Thoughts flooded my brain-one after the other, drip droping on my mind like a broken faucet that leaked nothing but negative things but especially one in particular.

What will happen when he finds out the truth? The sick truth. When do I tell him the truth? Am I supposed to tell him after the movie? While the movie is playing? In between pop-corn breaks? Is there a right time? Am I supposed to tell him at all? What if I never do, would that be wrong?

I couldn’t sit still suddenly as it all poured in like a cold shower down my spine warning me that a storm was near.

Dating seemed logical something natural and what I wanted, but reality seemed to have another forecast.

Let’s be realistic for a moment. Be honest. Be blunt.

When you start dating someone, do you really tell them all up front or do you keep what is fragile to yourself until the “Careful: fragile” boxes are ordered? There are things one is allowed to keep to oneself. We all have secrets. But is this a secret worthy of keeping until further notice or is it the warning notice that should be advertised before a relationship purchase?

Not satisfied with what my best friend had to say I called my niece Katrina. She had been with me in the hospital that horrible week. She had seen me since day one and knew every detail of my story. I trusted her and I knew she would tell me more than I wanted to hear.

“You are your worst enemy.” She said. “You are sabotaging something that hasn’t even started. Live. Live like nothing’s the matter because nothing is the matter.” She was right as usual. There was no reason to fear the unknown. I like the unknown. I am a Scorpio and mystery is suppose to be part of my character. I’m not suppose to run away from the unexpected I am the unexpected.

I took a deep breath and tried to close the runny thoughts that seemed to leak from my brain. I told myself that if he was worth it he would understand. He didn’t need to know right away because I didn’t know right away what it was I wanted from him. All I know is that he kisses good and that he makes me want more. More of him. More than I expected and for now the unknown seemed to offer more than I could give. I let go of all insecurities then, of all the negative that seemed to overpower the carefree boy I use to be. Leap before you look and never look down. Risk it all without risking too much and learn that this is just the beginning of a new life.

I gave up and fell asleep to the sound of the rain on my rooftop. The drip drop hypnotizing me to a deep sleep. The leaking had stopped and my flooded brain began to drain.

“I’m sorry German, but I am going to have to take a rain-check. My family is coming in from out of town today and I won’t be able to go to the movies. Can we reschedule?”

His text message was sort of a relief. It was also a bit disappointing but mostly sort of embarrassing after all the emotional spill that had been caused by it. Somehow though I confess I preferred the outcome of it all. Sure there was no date, no reason to worry anymore but I had overcome my fear someway. Maybe there won’t ever be a date. Maybe he never really meant to keep his word or never really intended to go beyond a friendly outing. Maybe it was one of those things you say that you never intend to keep, who knows. The thing is whether it was real or not, or whether that date ever does happen, the important thing is that after it all I somehow found peace in the eye of the storm.

My brain suddenly seemed cleared of all thoughts and I felt as though I had discovered a new part of me that was hidden beneath the turbulent waters of my soul.

I can’t live in fear. I can’t run away from the rain. If thunder hits, lightning will follow. It all has a cause and effect and the causes of my situation are a repercussions of a storm I created. So yes there might not be sunshine today or a beautiful rainbow in sight, but for now there is gentle rain. Beautiful drip dropping rain that seems to wash away all that use to be me and bringing into sight something greater yet to be fulfilled.

If he asks again, I will say yes without hesitation. I will not hold back.

A week later, he messaged me again.

“Do you want to go to a party with me?”

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