the affects of affection

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I was finally able to get my medicine.

One less thing I don’t need to worry about. At least not for the next six months because I have been approved for a year’s worth of medicine and have received my first six month supply. I am relieved beyond belief and so thankful that it all worked out in the end.

The odyssey was not simple it was a huge struggle but Peter and I somehow made it work. He drove me to and from my appointments throughout the month hoping every day that that would be the day that things would be resolved and I would receive the good news. I had to fill out multiple paper work, apply for medical assistance and hope that it would all pay off in the end. He has become my pilar. The very strong, firm platform I stand on.  Without him I don’t know how things would have been. I might of given up after the first couple rejections (which I almost did) I probably would have had multiple breakdowns (more than the usual) and I probably would have not had the energy to carry on.

Our relationship has grown stronger in the past few weeks. We’ve moved in and took the big leap of faith in hopes that we would survive each other under the same roof.Living with him is a whole new experience. I am now seeing another side of him that I had never seen before. His secret self behavior is out and about and roaming the halls of my apartment- freely showing me his true colors. I fall for him more and more as time goes by. His flaws, his virtues, his abilities surface each day showing me another side of the Peter I didn’t know I knew.

Living with a significant other is quite the task.You learn. You grown. You love. And you fuck. That’s the thing about living with each other our sex appetite seems to devour every inch of our being. Begging furiously for more even after it’s been fed. I can’t keep my hands off of him. They magnetically reach out for him. His skin is my favorite playground and I can not seem to control myself. He touches me and immediately I can feel the adrenaline rush through my body like a sweet sugary delight.  It all sounds great. Blissful really. But there is a problem.

We have recently been having sex without Condoms.

In any other circumstance I guess it wouldn’t be such a big deal but we all know that the circumstances of my life are far from that. I know it sounds irresponsible and it is but I can’t explain why it happened.

Actually I guess I can.

At first we were using condoms, buying them from our local pharmacy and using them in order to be safe but then one night unexpectedly we found ourselves without any and with a lot of desire. I was hesitant so much so that I stopped and told him that I couldn’t. That we would have to wait till the morning when the pharmacy opened. He was upset but he understood that it was all for his well being.

It happened again a few weeks back, this time though we did have them available but he insisted to proceed without any protection. Again I rejected him.

And then it happened. The selfish part of me took over and I allowed him to enter without any restrictions.

I know, I know, it sounds bad. Believe me I hated myself after that first time. I sat in bed afterwards contemplating whether to cry or to shoot myself for doing such a thing. How could’ve I allowed it? How is that love?

He assured me all was fine. He tried to calm me down but the thought of him becoming infected even after that one time haunted me for the rest of the week.

I went online and searched how high of a risk it was for him to contract the disease after that one time and found out that it was very likely- especially if my viral count is pretty high. Last time I checked my viral count had dropped but not enough to where I was considered undetectable. I read comments from other users who were in a similar situation and I found some assurance in a couple of them that made it easier to sleep at night.

Again the desired hit and again the desire was stronger than my will and I allowed him to enter a battle zone that was sure to kill eventually. This time I told him that he needed to get tested that this was not a game of hit or miss and that we both needed to be responsible. The last thing I want is to be the reason his life is changed  in such a drastic manner. I researched again and found some information on the Prep pill. A pill that has recently hit the market that could prevent infections on those who use it. This could be the solution but it would still not solve the problem if he were in fact already infected. With all the information I decided to bring it up to him in order for him to explore his options. We didn’t really come to an agreement but I plan on bringing it up on my next doctor’s visit.

Relationships are hard but being in a relationship with someone with HIV is even harder.

All I can do now is pray that he is clean that the actions of yesterday will not affect his tomorrow and that our affection is strong enough to withhold whatever the outcome is. 

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