why you gotta be so complicated?

“Not that I don’t care about you, just that things got so compliqeés eh, eh…”

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Where do I begin? A lot has happened in the last Eight months. I know, it feels like an eternity but since June things have gone from complicated to compliqueé.

For starters I should say that it’s a huge relief to know that even though we’ve had our indiscretions Peter is completely clean. He is not infected and I am so relieved. We’ve talked about Prep- the pill that promises to protect him from the germs that infect my body but it has only been a “here and there” conversation.

I stopped going to my clinic. The once simple routine I had with them suddenly became a huge hassle. I no longer had secured appointments or a definite idea of when and where I would have chemo. I drove sometimes the two hours just to be turned around because there was not enough staff to take care of all it’s patients or because my medicine had not arrived. The obvious situation in our country with our current government under Trump makes finding a way to survive that much more difficult.

Frustration took over this Scorpio and when it came time to re-apply for their assistance program I decided it’d be best to look elsewhere.

At the same time this was going on Peter started to have issues with his legal status. His probation officer started to threaten him with revoking his case. Another complication in the already complicated  world I call my life. It wasn’t so much that he didn’t pay attention to the warnings it was more of me that affected the outcome. He became so wrapped up in me-in my needs- in my life that he dismissed the repercussions that would come.

A month after leaving the clinic and with no prospects of finding a new one, Winter came and with that so did an annoying cough that seemed to increase as the temperature outside did too. I paid little to no attention to it and just brushed it off as something normal that comes with the seasonal cold weather. But it wasn’t.

Before I knew it and without me caring the cough became a burden. So much so that I started sleeping sitting up in order to be able to get some rest. There I was- with no medicine, with no clinic, no doctor, and with a horrible cough that took every breath away with no apologies.  I began to worry when I realized that it wasn’t just a simple cough and that it could be something more serious like Bronchitis or Pneumonia. I began to lose weight like crazy. My energy decreased and before I knew it I was quitting my job. By new years I was bed bound.

An order for Peters arrest was served and we suddenly found ourselves being Bonnie and Clyde. His probation officer decided that he wasn’t doing enough, that the money being given to the court every month was not sufficient to keep him off her wanted list. He seemed not to care that a warrant for his arrest was issued immediately, instead he wrapped himself in my bubble and became more consumed in my health than in anything else. I believe he avoided his arrest not because he wanted his freedom but because he wanted to have the freedom to be with me if anything happened.

For the next couple of weeks I searched for another clinic again. The curse of living in a small town is that judgement is wide open and clinics with assistance programs are closed.  I called different places hoping that at some point some one would refer me to anything or anyone that could help me out. Medicine still hadn’t changed it’s price in the last couple of months and I could not afford (literally) going another month without my meds.

Nights became a nightmare. I could barely sleep coughing every second of every hour. My lungs bursting with pain. My body shedding pounds like crazy and my appetite nowhere to be found.

Peter would stay up late night after night making sure that I didn’t choke in my sleep. Checking every hour that my breathing was normal or that I was even breathing. By five in the morning he would reach his breaking point and fall asleep. That was our winter routine. That became my life and I hit another breaking point.

I had my first breakdown a year ago but not like this one. This one was deep. I don’t know if it was the fact that getting any type of help, let alone medicine to survive, seemed to be like this huge odyssey that could not come to an end. Or if it was the stress of knowing that at any given moment I could lose Peter the rock that keeps me from falling apart, but I crumbled. I knew that if that did happen I would not have the motivation to fight. That I would purposely give up and not give a care in the world. I had hit my melting point and accepted the ridiculous idea that death was inevitable and that I would not try to fight what was already set in motion.

I don’t know when I snapped to reality. I don’t know if it was the fact that I saw myself pushing myself away from the people I loved but I finally came to the conclusion that I wasn’t ready to let go. I never did want to let go to be honest, I just sort of stopped caring. That’s the thing about caring when you stop caring for yourself you realize who truly cares. The love and the care that both Peter, my friends, and family showed were enough to slap me back to what was important. Surviving.

I found a clinic finally. An organization that will help me out with the expensive lifestyle I must maintain now in order to be alright. I found a doctor who saw me after waiting so long and who finally prescribed me the medicine I needed to be able to breathe right. Turns out I had a fungal infection in my lungs.

I immediately started taking the medicine that would help me get rid of all the junk in me and before I knew it I was breathing fresh air again. I have my next appointment next month.  A follow up to see how things are going but so far I feel great.

Today I found out the state approved my request for assistance and will be able to pick up my HIV prescriptions tomorrow.

It’s been rough, partially I think it’s my fault for being so careless and for being well…being me. That’s the Scorpio in me- stubborn, impatient and aggressive. I know things aren’t going to be easy and I can’t let things get bigger than what they really are. I need to learn that even though I am trying to lead a normal life there are factors I can’t ignore and must always keep in mind.

Things for now will continue to be complicated. Maybe with time things will get easier but for now I must learn not to be so compliqueé.

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